glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just gift wrapped bread.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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