If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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