first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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