If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
