I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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