i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
