you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
