i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
