my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
