i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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