Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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