I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
