Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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