I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
