just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
