You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
why do cheetos always look like penises
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
