I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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