I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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