i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
