Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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