i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
