My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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