Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
