You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
