My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Randomize
