i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
