no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
