1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
