I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
