i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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