Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
