At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
