I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
