Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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