she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
