he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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