If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
