wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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