Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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