I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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