He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
