Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
