What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Randomize
