3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
