I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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