Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
