I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
