i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
