can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
