You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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