I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
