why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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