I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
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