just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
